[Man On P.A.] Attention, all weary members of the 4077 th.
Eighth Army Headquarters wishes to commend us for our tireless efforts...
during the last three days.
However, all requests for overtime are denied.
Remember when we were interns, and there were still only 24 hours in the day?
- I can't even remember yesterday. - That's because it is yesterday.
It won't be today until I get a night's sleep in between.
- [Sighs] - [Grunts]
Am I sinking to my knees or are you rising in the air?
Best thing for a tired body. You oughta try it.
I tried it. I couldn't pass the bar.
You go to sleep tired, you wake up tired. This gives you energy.
I got a fifth of energy waiting for me in the Swamp.
If you'll unhook your chin from that pipe, you can lead me there.
- Couple more. - [Sighs] What an ordeal.
Seventy-two hours straight.
I'm prayed out.
Absolutely prayed out.
Don't forget, Father. God was on six days straight.
He was a lot younger then.
Well, sweet dreams.
That old chaplain looked like a young boy just a few days ago.
- What about us? - [Chuckles]
You look like the High Lama of Shangri-La.
You look like an 8-by-10 picture of Dorian Gray.
I'm gonna get my new bar of soap, take a long shower...
and sleep, sleep, sleep.
- You really know how to live. - You?
I plan to take a long bubble bath...
preferably with a nurse who has her own car and doesn't live with her folks.
Sorry, sir, all we have to offer is cold rainwater in a 50-gallon drum.
- Sold. - [Brass Instrument Bellowing]
Aww!
Little Boy Blue Blood is starting on his horn again.
- Ah, music to my rear. - How can he do that to us in our condition?
No respect for the dead.
## [Off-key]
From the fashionable Swamp Room...
high above midtown Ouijongbu...
come the sadistic sounds...
of Doc Winchester and his all-moose orchestra...
who ask the musical question, "Why us?"
- Cut! - Take five, pops!
I don't think he can hear us!
I think you're right. Easily fixed.
Put down that horn. We have your head surrounded.
Gentlemen, I've just finished an arduous session of work...
and now it is time to play.
Why don't you play something a little less harmful, like a bazooka?
- [Grunting] - What do you think?
- Disgusting! - ## [Resumes]
Remove that sock.
Oh, okay.
We're about to hear Pierce's "Unwashed" Symphony.
- Remove them. - What, me touch something that filthy?
- I'm a surgeon. - You are pushing me toward violence.
Go ahead! Beat me to death! Just don't play that thing!
I will play "that thing" whenever I feel like it.
That thing may be the only thing that keeps me from going mad...
in this cultural Death Valley.
Let's hit the showers before we hit him.
Hear! Hear! It's about time the two of you bathed.
- Oh! Do we offend you? - Constantly.
He finds our offensiveness offensive.
Your odor is taking the curl out of my horn.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
If you're thinking what I'm thinking. Are you thinking of stinking?
Make you a deal, Winchester. You knock off the horn, we shower.
- And if I refuse? - The more you blow, the worse we'll grow.
Haven't you children learned yet that you can't intimidate me?
Oh, yeah? Wait'll we age a couple of days.
- We'll curl your nose. - Reek away, gentlemen.
I will play this thing as long as there is music in my soul and breath in my body.
Morning, sirs.
For your dining pleasure, we have London broil, abalone almandine...
and a taste bud tantalizer... potatoes au gratin.
All right, nostrils. What've you really got?
- Powdered eggs. - We had powdered eggs yesterday.
- They're leftovers. - Hit me with the crepes, garcon.
They're lighter today. I can hold them up with one arm.
These manhole covers aren't bad.
I may go back for seconds, God willing.
Even the coffee's good. I wonder what they left out of it.
Mmm. Here's a cozy booth for nine.
- May we join you breakfast clubbers? - Sure. Park 'em.
You fellas will be surprised. The food's rather good today.
- Shows what a little faith can do. - [B.J.] Mmm! Edible.
Did the wind just suddenly shift?
Seems to be coming from the stable.
Don't blame my horse. I just washed her down this morning.
Funny. This was good a minute ago.
Excuse my boardinghouse reach.
[Groans]
I guess you boys haven't had a chance to shower yet.
Oh, yeah. We had the chance. Syrup?
We didn't shower anyway. Thanks.
I see. Any special reason, like it's National Pig Week?
- Nope. - You know, in one way you outrank me.
But not where it counts. Answer up.
It's a dirtiness strike.
When our bunkie gives up his new horn, we'll give up our old dirt.
- That's disgusting! - That's the idea.
Excuse me, Colonel. I've lost my appetite.
I'm going to the garbage dump for a breath of fresh air.
Oh, you'll love it. The bluebottle flies are gorgeous this time of year.
##[French Horn. Off-key]
Hear that? And that's from the balcony. How'd you like to live in the front row?
Just make sure the three of you work this out fast.
By tomorrow his nose will be running for cover.
No offense intended, but...
I'd be happy to burn some incense around you.
Thanks, Father. Just a prayer for peace and quiet.
[Man On P.A.] Attention. Attention, all personnel.
Incoming wounded. All surgical teams to O.R. On the double.
- So much for breakfast. - Not again. Yes, again!
Nothing like a good day's work to top off a good night's work.
Let's go. Hold it!
You two stay behind me.
- What are you doing tonight? - Writing home.
Suppose I gave you something to write about?
- You wouldn't like the way it ends. - Give me a chance.
I'm fun, ruggedly handsome and have my own typewriter.
You're a bit aromatic, sir.
Oh, yeah. I'm a hopeless aromatic.
No. I mean, you really stink, sir.
- In a few days you'll get used to it. - I'm not that flexible.
Look, I tell you what. Don't bathe for three days.
Let your bacteria have a ball. Then we'll cancel each other out.
Well, I'm canceling you out right now.
There she goes with her nose in the air. Snob.
- [Potter] Wish I could've done more here. - Nothing more you could do.
It's kind of primitive, but it'll hold him...
till the boys in Tokyo can rebuild his cheek.
He'll need a lot more than physical attention.
That kind of wound goes a lot deeper than the skin.
- What's worse, the enemy didn't do it. He did. - Not self-inflicted?
No, his rifle backfired. The bolt caught him in the face.
- Oh, how unfortunate. - Yeah. Klinger!
- Sir! - Post-op, and handle him carefully.
- Yes, sir. Donahue! - No, never mind. I'd like to do it.
Gee, you're a nice guy, Father.
Well, I'm a priest. We specialize in nice.
Ready to close, 3.0 silk.
And a clamp for my nose, please.
The odor is overwhelming...
thanks to my two rancid colleagues, who shall remain nameless.
- Could he mean us, Dr. Nameless? - I believe he does, my rancid colleague.
With your permission, Colonel, I'd like to drop a little hint.
Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt, take a shower, you dirty stinkers!
- I take umbrage at that. - I used to take umbrage, but it gave me morning sickness.
Listen, you swamp rats. Enough is enough. Bathe, will ya?
- Hear! Hear! - Finally, a mandate from the people.
Look who's talking!
None of this would have happened if it weren't for your sawed-off tuba.
- It's a French horn. - Blow it out your Champs-Elysees, Pierre!
- That's telling him, Margaret. - You shut up!
Look, Winchester, there's a nice canyon about a mile up the road.
You can blow that horn till you're blue in the face.
- The enemy would shoot at me. - I think we're getting through to him.
Good news, everybody! No more wounded.
- Thank heaven. - And the manager thereof.
How 'bout this, then?
You and I go out on Main Street, stand back to back...
- take 10 paces, turn and talk dirty. - No.
98.6. Sorry, fella, but you're normal.
You've just won a 60-day tour of the front.
- Well, how do you feel, Saunders? - How would you feel?
You've been giving your nurse a bad time. You've gotta let her change the dressing.
I was doing her a favor.
I don't want her looking at me. I don't want anyone looking at me.
You're alive, son. You'll be going home soon.
Home.
I don't wanna go home.
Everybody just be staring at me, or worse, lookin' away.
No one's gonna do that.
They all will, especially Linda.
- Your wife? - My girl.
I've been looking at her all day.
Pretty.
She's beautiful.
We were gonna get married, but one look at this face and forget it.
Your Linda must have more to her than that.
She's never gonna buy this. I don't blame her.
Her looks are very important to her.
We were voted the handsomest couple at Allerdice High School.
Now what are we? Beauty and the beast?
There you go again, jumpin' to conclusions.
Give those plastic surgeons a chance.
My face is busted up. No matter what they do, it's gonna be patchwork.
You won't accept this, but you've been very lucky.
- Lucky? - You heard me.
Lot of handsome kids are going outta here without arms and legs.
Yeah, right, Doc.
Guess I'm just about the luckiest guy in the whole world.
## [Off-key]
- How are your earplugs working? - Great. I can't hear a thing.
- Shall we? - Ready when you are, B.O.
You just keep playing, Charles. This won't take a second.
- Contact! - Bomb bay doors open, and...
Bombs away!
- His eyes are watering! - But not enough!
Try to offend a little harder.
We did it! We brought his lips to his knees.
We have met the enemy and we are his.
Whew! Glad to see you boys are working this out.
Major, will you shut your mouthpiece?
Why didn't we think of that?
I thought I told you kids to change your diapers.
- Not till he stops tooting. - Well?
Never!
- However, there is an alternative. - Goody.
Put me in different quarters.
Fine. There's an empty bunk with the enlisted men.
Enlisted men? That's totally unacceptable. Rather wear a gas mask.
- Good! Wear it. Just don't play it. - Malodorous trolls.
Look, I'm in no mood for the Hatfields and the McCoys.
I came here to drown my sorrows and cauterize my liver.
- Got some vintage stuff. - How vintage?
- It's fermented longer than we have. - That old? All right.
Let's have it. But don't get too close to me.
My serve.
- [Coughing] - Hmm.
- That'll rip the tar paper off the roof. - It hits the spot.
- And rubs it out. - Tough day at the office, Colonel?
- I don't even want to talk about it. - Give us a clue.
Sir, come quick! Saunders swallowed a whole bottle of sleeping pills!
There's your clue.
- Pulse is weak, but it's there. - His respirations are really suppressed.
Stay with it, guys.
- Where'd he get the barbiturates? - Drug cabinet, sir.
- That cabinet is supposed to be locked at all times. - He smashed the glass.
- Where the hell were you? - I went into the supply room for just a second.
Why didn't you send someone? Damn it!
From now on, this man is not to be left alone.
- Yes, sir. - Pass the word.
- How's he doing? - He's gonna make it.
This time.
That wasn't very smart, son.
You should have let me die.
At 22? Mm-mmm. Too many years ahead of you.
I don't even get the satisfaction of being a hero.
Dumb accident.
My own gun blows up in my face.
Hail the conquering fool.
A man isn't a fool just because he's the victim of an accident...
but he is one if he lets it ruin his whole life.
If there's one thing I don't need right now...
it's Norman Vincent Peale.
So save the "everything's gonna be all right" speech for the next guy.
You're very stubborn, aren't you?
Well, so am I.
Now, remember, I want a 24-hour watch on him. Capisce?
Yes, sir.
How quaint. Sidewalk cafe in the mud.
Very French. Complete with snails.
Sorry, sirs. You can't come in.
Did the health department finally get wise to this place?
The entire company signed a petition. You gotta eat outside.
Come on, Klinger. We're not that bad.
You are to this bazoo. Accurate as a Swiss watch.
- And big as the Swiss Alps. - Flattery still gets you a table outside.
Have a seat. I'll bring your food. Whew!
- Where would you like to sit? - This side.
I love to watch the buzzards swooping down on the garbage dump.
Ah. Eating outside, I see.
- Mm-hmm. - Very chic.
Reminds me of the Via Veneto in Rome.
I dined alfresco when we went there for an audience with the pope.
- The pope? - Numero uno.
Pull up a crate and tell us about it, Father.
- No, I'm expected inside. - Father.
- Is it because we smell bad? - Well, uh...
I, uh... Oh, dear.
Oh, dear. How should I put this?
Yes, because of that.
- Jesus ate with the lepers. - He was an exceptionally good sport.
Whew. Here you are.
- Sweets for the sweet. - Uh, busboy, can we have some water?
Only if you bathe in it.
Beej, would you mind trading seats with me?
Can't resist the buzzards?
- No, I just want to be upwind of you. - Of me?
Isn't it one of life's peculiarities...
how some people can be sensitive to the aroma of others...
and yet totally oblivious to the noxious fumes emanating from themselves?
What are you trying to say, Charles?
Just that some people have a certain kind of body chemistry...
that makes them, uh, well, more pungent than others.
Speaking of body chemistry, you're dangerously close to blowing yourself up.
I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but...
[Chuckles] You reek, fella.
My eyes aren't watering 'cause I'm homesick, buddy.
Oh, really? Let me tell you something, buster.
- ##[French Horn] - There he goes again.
We can't even have a good argument in peace.
All right! That does it.
The irresistible force is about to polish off the immovable object.
[Vehicle Approaching]
- [Horn Honking] - [Rhythmic Drumming]
[Honking, Drumming Continue]
[Kazoo Blowing]
[Horn, Kazoo, Drumming Continue]
[Sighs] This is getting ridiculous.
Suffering sheep-dip. Time for a permanent intermission.
[Woman] Oh, my God. Saunders!
Now what's going on?
We only turned our backs on him for a second, and he was gone.
I told you to keep an eye on him! All right, let's split up.
[Hissing Sound]
- That's enough, Saunders! - Get away! Leave me alone!
- Put it down. We're gonna talk. - No more talk!
- Just let me die! - You're not gonna die on my time.
- [Hissing Stops] - [Inhaling]
It won't stop me. I'll find another way.
I want to end this. Don't you understand? Just leave me alone!
All right. You want to do it? Let's really do it.
You'll need some help. You've screwed up everything else.
You might as well get this right. Put the mask over your face.
Go ahead. I won't stop you. Do it. Do it!
Go on! Do it! Here, let me help you.
You want death? We got plenty around here. Suck it in, punk! Come on!
- What's the matter with you? - Come on!
- You're crazy! You're trying to kill me! - Of course.
That's what you want. You want to die, and I'm here to help you!
Get away! If you come near me, I'll belt you!
[Panting]
That's more like it. Now you're fighting to stay alive, aren't you?
The part of you that wants to stick around...
is stronger than the part that wants to end it.
Okay. Hang on to that. Come on, son.
Let's get some rest, son.
I'm too old for this kind of crap.
I think I tore my shorts.
- Ready, Klinger? - Ready.
Get set!
- Hit it! - [Screaming]
[All Shouting]
Bravo! Bravo!
Cease watering! Second wave!
Fire!
Bravo! I love it! Drown the cretins.
Sponge detail!
Hey! Watch...
I don't care what you do to me, but those lice you killed were women and children.
- [Screams, Laughs] - [B.J.] How well do we know each other?
[Hawkeye Giggling]
- [Cheers, Applause] - There... They're dry.
- Here, where are you taking that? - Where it belongs.
- Hold it, Margaret! Margaret! - [Whistles]
Third wave!
[People Exclaiming]
Oh, Margaret, no. Pick it up. Pick it up. Margaret, no!
- No! - [All Cheering]
You barbarians. You Visigoths!
Do you realize you have taken the last vestige...
of western civilization left here...
and you have run it under your pagan wheels?
- [Cheering] - [Hawkeye] Bravo.
Encore! Encore!
- The horn... I never really... - [Clears Throat]
I fear the moment of retribution is at hand.
Yours, I believe.
All right.
Who's responsible for all this?
I see.
Beginning at 2200 hours, you are all hereby confined...
to the Officers Club for the duration of the whiskey.
[All Cheering]
Pierce, Hunnicutt and Winchester are buying.
Great idea.
Colonel...
Forget it, Charles. If we pay, you pay.
Colonel, what about my horn?
Oh, by all means, Winchester, bring it along.
We'd love to hear it.
- What day is it? - Tuesday.
- We oughta celebrate. A whole week of silence. - And fresh air.
- [Knocking] - Come in!
Ah, good! Sang Mu! How'd it turn out?
- How'd what turn out? - You aren't through with me yet, gentlemen.
- Sang Mu has rebuilt my horn. - And I just took a shower!
- Very hard to get parts. - I'm sure you did your best.
Had to get parts from different horns, but I fit very nicely, okay?
Okay.
I'm gonna have my eardrums pierced.
- There's... There's no mouthpiece. - Yeah.
- What do you mean, "yeah"? - [Hawkeye, B.J. Laughing]